It’s Never Too Late… (A Client's Journey of Sobriety, Problems, Pain & Health)

The following memoir was written by a client of mine who wanted to share their journey of sobriety, problems, pain and health. Their primary motivation is to release their own shame and guilt about their past by sharing their struggle. The second motivation is to hopefully encourage and inspire others to do the same. thank you for your courage and bravery in your willingness to share your story.

I’m writing this mostly for myself, to face the truth of my life’s journey. But I also hope that maybe my story reaches someone who feels like there’s no way out and helps them see a glimmer of hope.

It’s October 5th, the alarm went off at 5:30, another typical Monday morning (and most other mornings). As I started to wake up, I felt the headache, grogginess, aches and pains, and the numbness – another hangover. I promised to change things today, cut back on drinking, start working out, eat better, and get more sleep. This was an almost daily routine,

I knew I was lying to myself as I said it.

I got up, got ready for work, and headed to the office. By the time the workday was over the routine started again. I stopped at a bar on the way home, had a beer, then I went home and had another, and another and another. As I got ready for bed, I was mad at myself for doing it all over again. Maybe tomorrow…

I woke up a few hours later and felt horrible and disgusted with myself for breaking the promise I’ve made to myself so many times to get my drinking under control. I stayed awake the rest of that night searching for something - answers, direction, strength, someone to blame, anything. Did it even matter at 62 years old? I read about controlling drinking, stopping drinking, watched YouTube videos, looked for books to read, and made a list of all the negative and positive aspects of drinking. The positive list was short, the negative list was much longer. By morning, I hadn’t committed to stop drinking. But I was determined to not drink that day,

I had to prove to myself I could go one day keeping the promise I made almost daily.

Oct 6, 2020, was the first sober day that “I had chosen” in many years, decades if I’m honest with myself. It was hard, very hard.All day long, I kept telling myself, “It’s only for today.” Even as I went to bed, I was thinking about getting up later in the night and having just one beer if I had to. I didn’t sleep well, but I made it through the night without drinking. When I woke up the next morning, I felt a real sense of accomplishment and control about drinking for the first time in a long time. I did it. I kept my promise, I didn’t drink for one day.

I started drinking in my early teens, I could blame it on my parents, both were alcoholics, or the crowd I fell in with but in the end - my choices were my choices. It started as fun and games, we snuck alcohol out of the house, (there was always plenty there), to share with the guys. Then we started finding other ways to get alcohol. My stepdad worked at a local tavern and my brother, and I would help clean up on the weekends and we would take alcohol and hide it in the alley and come back for it later. Eventually we just found someone who was old enough to buy it for us. It just became part of what we did every weekend and as time went on many weekdays too.

Thinking back on those early years drinking wasn’t just about having fun, there were lots of issues going on at home - drinking, arguing, divorce, moving, changing schools, moving again. I didn’t realize it then, but I was also drinking to numb my emotions and escape from the realities of my life. There were early signs that drinking was a problem; suspended from school, run-ins with the police, and issues at home all involving alcohol one way or another. But I didn’t see them as problems, just life.

As the years went on the consequences of my drinking became much more serious – I was arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct, arrested for DUI, bankruptcy, two divorces, poor relationship with my kids, a heart attack, and fired from an executive job. As bad as each of those experiences were, I was always able to fight through the adversity and get back on track.

I knew drinking was a problem,

I just didn’t think it was a big enough problem to quit.

I didn’t consider myself an alcoholic, I just drank every day like a lot of people did. The two greatest escapes I had were working (career) and drinking and I was good at both. My drive to succeed was strong and I was very resilient, always finding a way to pick up the pieces and put my head back into work and career. Everything else was a distant priority. That included being a good father, several times choosing career opportunities over being near my children after divorce. I always fulfilled my financial responsibilities and was there for most important events, but many times I wasn’t there when they needed me most.

I had become a high functioning alcoholic for sure, but drinking affected my whole life, my career, my relationships, my self-worth and my mental and physical health. I missed out on so much. Drinking was a slow grind for almost 50 years and I hurt myself and a lot of other people along the way.

After so many years of making excuses for my drinking I didn’t think it was possible for me to stop and most of the time I didn’t think I needed to. I was now in my 60’s, I thought, what’s the point of quitting now, it’s too late. I accepted this was the way I would live my life until the day I died.

I even thought of having that last beer on my death bed.

Then in 2020 a few events happened that made me start to re-think my life, at least what was in front of me. Ultimately with good health and some luck, I could have 25 or 30 years to live, a full third of my life left to go. In January of 2020, my youngest daughter (24 at the time) sent me a 7-page handwritten letter expressing her thoughts and concerns about our relationship. One of the first sentences said, “I am not happy with our relationship” and went on to give examples of how I had let her down in the past and how hurt she was every time I did. It was difficult to read, but truthful and written from her heart. To be clear she took responsibility for herself and things she could have done differently. By the last page she made it clear that we needed to get counseling or some other outside help together if we were to have any relationship at all. Her closing sentence was “I want to be a better daughter, just as I want you to be a better Dad”. Her letter was a significant part of my decision to stop drinking.

During this timeframe my marriage wasn’t in a great place either. My wife is an important part of my life, and I love her very much. She supports me in most everything I do, including my career, even when I traveled most weeks, hobbies, social activities - she was always there for me. Conversely, I wasn’t doing a very good job of supporting her and her needs. I should have put her first more often, but I didn’t. Drinking helped me to avoid dealing with our problems, avoid conflict, and drown out emotions. I wasn’t being a very good husband or partner. She gave up a career, a beautiful home, living near her family and friends to move across the country to be with me. She deserved better. This was another important part of my decision to get sober.

Lastly, when the COVID pandemic hit in early 2020 it changed almost everyone’s life, some for the worse and some for the better. For me, work travel stopped, the office was closed, and most days I was forced to worked from home. Prior to COVID, on a typical workday the thoughts of drinking rarely haunted me. I really had no choice, I couldn’t drink during the workday and I didn’t. But working from home the days were different, especially as time wore on. Thoughts of having that first drink were more often and I found excuses to have that first one earlier and earlier in the day. I knew it wasn’t right, I felt even more horrible about myself. I made promise after promise to manage the drinking, I told myself today will be different every morning and tomorrow will be different every night. But it wasn’t. Without the control of being at work my drinking discipline got weaker. I didn’t like myself very much at this point in my life.

It all seemed to come to a head at once. There wasn’t anything exceptional or dramatic that happened that first week in October of 2020. On Sunday I watched football and started drinking early when the games came on, like I usually did when football was on. I drank too much throughout the day and into the evening. On Monday October 5th I woke up hungover as hell and was disgusted with myself. I promised to get my drinking under control but by the time the workday was over I could hardly wait to have a beer to cut the edge on a world class hangover– another broken promise…

I woke up at 1:30 in the morning on Tuesday October 6th and decided I’d had enough. I felt like was drowning and had to do something - that was the first day of my sobriety. I didn’t make a promise to quit forever, I did promise that for just that one day I wouldn’t drink, nothing more. That first day was incredibly hard, having a beer consumed my thoughts constantly throughout the entire day and evening. That day and many days after I felt fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, possibility of rejection, and of course, I tried to convince myself that my drinking wasn’t that bad and I could control it. I think the only thing that kept me from having a drink that day was telling myself over and over it wasn’t for forever - just for today.

The next day I told myself the same thing, it wasn’t forever - just for today. I repeated that daily until I had almost a month of sobriety and then started to feel that maybe I could live life without drinking. I read my list of positives and negatives for drinking and eventually the positive list for not drinking got longer and longer. I was beginning to experience life sober for the first time in decades- and I liked it. At first the negatives of drinking – hangovers, always tired, avoiding emotions, not liking myself very much were my daily reminder of why I shouldn’t drink. But at some point, the positive reasons - clear headed, well rested, eating healthy, working out, facing my emotions, feeling good about myself for not drinking became my motivators. It was about 90 days of sobriety when the positives became more important to me than the negatives. That’s when I was able to tell myself “I am an alcoholic, and I am quitting drinking for good”.

To be clear the events leading up to getting sober pushed me to take action, but the real motivator was finding respect and compassion for myself so I could be a better person to those around me. I believe every alcoholic/addict that has made the decision to stop drinking has their own journey to follow. Sometimes it takes more than one attempt and several different paths to find what works for you. There’s no one “right” solution for everyone, it’s very personal. I don’t advocate that what I did is the right path for others, but it was for me.

As I began my journey to getting sober, I was open to anything that would help. I listened to podcasts, read books, attended a couple of AA meetings (online, as it was during COVID), and talked to people close to me trying to find my path. Eventually I did find my path and it continues to evolve 5 years later.

I found support in those close to me. I confided in my wife, and she was incredibly supportive in a quiet way. She didn’t push me, didn’t congratulate me, didn’t count days with me – she just supported me and was there when I needed her. I also talked to my brother about his experiences with alcohol and his path to 20 years of sobriety. He is truly a success story, and he gave me much strength in this journey and support. He took a very different path than I did with drinking and with getting sober but didn’t try to force anything on me. He was supportive without trying to “fix” me or push me to do anything specific, he was just there for me for whatever I needed, even if it was nothing at all. I’m pretty sure he’s the only person who knows my sobriety date and sends a note every year.

Within the first 2 weeks of being sober I found the podcast “That Sober Guy” and made a connection. I found a lot of strength and support in their message and community. I tried other avenues including AA, but didn’t find what I needed. I got interested in journaling about two weeks before I quit drinking. Perhaps it was a sign? I didn’t do it daily at first, but I was finding some internal space and release as I was learning more about it. From day one of my sobriety, I journaled almost every single day. It was hard, but I committed to writing something every day. At first it was just about activities, events, and personal celebrations, but progressed as I learned more about journaling. Over time I felt more comfortable writing about truths, emotions, feelings, admitting the bad things I had done, and other very personal things I had avoided for many years. My journaling has evolved and has been a big part of becoming a better me. Almost 5 years later I still journal most days.

Shortly after I quit drinking I was introduced to meditation - at first it was hard and weird. I couldn’t get the noise out of my head and couldn’t focus on my breath for more than a few seconds before the next thought came racing through my head. I felt self-conscious even though there wasn’t anyone else there. I stuck with it and eventually I learned that if I calmed my body first, my mind would follow. My meditation practice continues to evolve and is an important part of my sobriety and personal growth. I meditate most mornings and when I don’t, I feel like something is missing.

Today I have no regrets, only learnings and optimism for what’s to come. It’s been a good life including plenty of adversity and it continues to get better every day. Through it all I have a lot to be grateful for, I had parents that loved me the best that they could, I graduated from high school (barely), spent six years in the Military, traveled the world, and left with an Honorable Discharge, went to college and received a BS in Business Administration - graduated Magna Cum Laude, have three beautiful children, had a successful career starting on my hands and knees as a grocery stocker and worked my way to senior executive positions in three different companies, met my partner and wife, and retired at 65 with financial security for the future.

Life is a journey with no guarantees for tomorrow or even if there is a tomorrow.

I’m in a totally different place than I was five years ago. Finding support with those I’m closest to, journaling, meditating, and therapy with someone I trust at Free Spirit has helped me find myself. My priorities have changed, I’m on a path to be the best person I can be so that I can be a better husband, better father, experience life and continue to grow. It’s never too late to make changes that make you a better person and allow you to really appreciate life and all it has to offer, even if it’s the last day you have.

Thanks for listening,

Anonymous