Surrender: Overcoming the Internal Conflict
- Traci Moreno, PsyD
- Jul 9
- 6 min read
Surrender.
The mere thought pisses me off! Now, on my spiritual journey, I'm being faced with the Divine lesson of surrender. This new, unfamiliar concept is one of great power, strength and courage. So then why does it case us such discomfort?
Surrender can have two vastly different meanings depending upon what you believe to be your life purpose. Most of us were taught to never give up and that if we do we are weak, less than, losers even. This idea of surrender comes from the egoic mind. The ego believes our primary purpose in life is survival, that life is a competition and that there is no other form of life beyond death. The second meaning of surrender comes from the premise that we are energetic, soulful beings that know there is more to life than this one human existence, that there is a bigger purpose at play and that we always have Divine assistance. These contradictory beliefs can put us in an internal conflict and significantly influence the life we choose to live.
The human-based belief uses fear as a means to maintain our survival. When we're scared we are less likely to put ourselves in danger, take risks, step outside our comfort zone or accept change. To the ego, this keeps us safe. But what's important to understand about the ego is that this mechanism to protect us was essential when being eaten by a dinosaur was an actual possibility. However, now, the ego is unable to differentiate between the threat of a dinosaur and the threat of starting your own business, getting a divorce or attending a social event.
When it comes to the idea of surrender, the ego triggers its fear response with the hope that we don't do it. Society has doubled down on this theory by conditioning us that surrendering is a weakness and an act to be embarrassed or ashamed of. So it's no wonder why we have difficulty practicing this concept.
So why should we surrender?
It's our only path to true peace.
It helps to understand surrender from a spiritual perspective. Surrendering is not about giving up. It's about accepting our current reality while also trusting that the situation will work out for our highest good. This Faith could be in a higher power (God, spirit guides, higher self) or in a more indistinct power (universe, destiny, karma, energy). If this is too big of a leap for you and inconsistent with your belief system, let’s start with understanding surrender from a psychological perspective first.
Acceptance
Many people have a tough time with this word as well. Just as surrender, acceptance does not mean giving up nor does it mean that we’re ok with what happened. Acceptance simply means to acknowledge the situation as is. Our current reality is our current reality whether we choose to accept it or not. Fighting against reality can cause even more suffering. Accepting it allows us to change it.
When we are faced with a painful situation in life we tend to compound the problem with unnecessary judgment, blame, shame or guilt. Then our ego shifts into damage control to minimize these painful emotions. So now instead of dealing with the actual problem, we are focused on symptom management, which causes further pain. The situation is usually painful enough to begin with. Now in our effort to control the situation, we find ourselves in a constant state of suffering.
This reminds me of one of my favorite sayings about anger- Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. We have a choice to either suffer from our circumstances or evolve. Or we take the much more common path of abruptly bouncing back and forth between the two. Yet no matter how much we suffer, suffering won’t change our circumstances. When we’re angry at someone for hurting us but don’t accept it, we just stay in our anger as it slowly breaks us down from the inside out. Alternatively, when we accept it we can process the pain, release it and heal. Then, we can set boundaries with that person or cut off contact completely if possible. This process can help us trust ourselves and strengthen our self-love. The situation becomes more about growth and less about pain, more about us and less about them.
Letting go
As a natural next step, we begin to let go- let go of the illusion of control we believed we had over the situation and circumstances; let go of allowing anyone or anything to have power over us. Eventually, the emotional pain subsides. The intrusive thoughts quiet. Physical pain heals.
When we try to control the situation what we actually end up doing is forcing our will and expectations onto other situations and even people. This toxic behavior creates resistance and even greater suffering. It deepens the internal struggle because we’re trying so hard and still not getting what we want. This can look like:
· Trying to over-control situations and people
· Having unrealistic expectations of situations and people
· Attempting to force things to happen the way we want or expect them to happen
· Having a tendency to harshly judge ourselves or others
· Falling into a pattern of feeling victimized
Example
Carey is going through a breakup. She's experiencing sadness, anger, fear, guilt and regret. In her sadness, Carey, blames herself. In her anger, she blames her ex. Out of fear she may attempt a reconciliation or retreat back to an old, familiar yet unhealthy relationship. The guilt and regret perpetuates the cycle and allows this emotional rollercoaster to consume her life. Carey tried to control the situation by controlling her emotions. This only provided her with symptom management and enabled her own suffering. Nor did it help her heal from the root cause of the symptoms- the loss of the relationship. At no time during this cycle of painful emotions did Carey deal with the actual loss of the relationship.
Surrender
Letting go can sometimes be harder than surrendering. Letting go is often confused for surrender. Although similar, there are distinct differences. Simply put, letting go is releasing; surrender is allowing. Letting go involves releasing some form of attachment we have in this physical world whether it’s to an idea, expectation, situation, person, etc... Surrender is allowing a greater power to help us in, not just the physical world, but the spiritual world as well.
As I struggled to surrender, my friend, colleague and spiritual coach, Pasquale, recommended that I float in the pool while repeating the mantra:
"I surrender and let go of what no longer serves me." I initially thought this would help me let go; instead I was guided to surrender.
I lay in the pool staring up at the blue sky between the clouds. When I started my muscles were tightened. As I repeated the mantra my speech was fast and assertive as if to force my intention into existence; and I was. I was forcibly holding my body above the water. I thought, “Why am I fighting against the water to stay afloat when I know the water will support me all on its own?” I took a breath and softened my body all while demanding, "I surrender and let go of what no longer serves me." I sank. I gently encouraged myself to let go and refocus my attention on my breathing. When I inhaled I rose above the water gracefully but when I exhaled I sank miserably. I let go of using my muscles but defaulted to using my breath to try to control the situation.
I quickly realized my resistance would be futile and I had to work with the water rather than against this powerful force. I reminded myself to allow and trust and then returned to the mantra: "I surrender and let go of what no longer serves me." This time, I stopped saying the words and I started feeling what these words actually mean. My attention organically shifted back onto the blue sky between the clouds. My breath was even, calm and steady. My body gradually became lighter. I was floating effortlessly without even thinking about it. As soon as I realized the irony of the analogy, I laughed and sank again.
Surrender is more than just a word. It can't be just said; it needs to be felt. Surrender is more than just an action. It's a measure of Faith, a lesson in Divinity. When we allow it, surrender can be our guide, our protection, our safety, our way of life.
This is why we choose to surrender! It’s a choice that can bring us closer to awakening, salvation, Freedom. The next time you find yourself repeatedly cycling through thoughts and feelings of judgment, blame, shame or guilt recognize this destructive pattern, accept, let go and Surrender.
For Additional Resources to help you Surrender:
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